101 Annoying Things To Do In Your Public Mall ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. Take a monkey for a walk down the halls, when stopped by mall security and told of the no pets rule, insist it's a science experiment on taming rabid wildlife and ask if they want to spank your monkey 2. Buy several rubber chickens and remove the feet, arrange decoratively on a platter and stand in the food court offering samples 3. Grin evilly while muttering "Soon...soon they will pay...hahaha..." clutch an old VCR remote control protectively 4. Go into all the restrooms and remove the toilet seats, stack in the middle of an elevator and call it art. 5. Scream constantly while looking at others as if *they* are mad 6. Discuss your bodily functions, or lack there of, over lunch in the food court...talk loud. 7. Choose one person and follow them around, when they turn ask them "Why are you following me?" 8. When said person above gets annoyed, choose a new person, ask them the time every minute on the minute, to make sure their watch works. 9. Shop with relatives. 10. Bring several wooden dowels and jam them in the wheels of wheelchairs 11. Wrap your cat in a blanket, talk baby talk to it through the entire mall 12. Go to the movie theatre and sleep in the back row...snore. 13. Wake up right before the climax and scream "Oh not this part again! I hate it when the guy dies!" 14. Stay in the theatre for the second, third, and all subsequent showings of the flick by hiding under the seats when the usher comes. 15. Make spitballs and toss them over your head at the projection booth window...try to make mickey mouse's head appear on the screen. 16. When you're thrown out of the theatre finally, land hard, crack your knuckle and scream "My spine!!!" get up and walk away like nothing happened. 17. Eat five chilli cheese dogs for lunch and leave vapor trails up and down the isles in every single Hallmark store 18. Go into Sam Goodys and ask the cashier "Doesn't Sam mind you selling his goodies?" 19. Stop in the Wiz and play Mario Kart 64 over, and over, and over again, constantly remind the store clerks "This is better then an arcade!" 20. Go to the actual arcade and try to cash in monopoly money, explain to the manager that you are from another country and your currency looks strikingly similar to that of the game. Praise the monopoly guy as your god, call the manager an Infidel and leave screaming 21. Scream often, and loud, for no apparent reason. 22. Dress in army fatigues and ask shoppers if they are willing to help you overthrow the Communist government ruling over "Nathans Famous Franks" 23. Buy an empty tarantula cage at the pet store, Label the cage 'Tarantula' if not already labeled so. Walk around the mall crying "Has anyone seen bobo?!" show them the cage. 24. Rent a pirate costume and walk around asking normally clothed shoppers "What are you suposed to be?" Show them your fake pirate hook and proclaim proudly "I'm an astronaut!" 25. Bring a like minded friend and have a super soaker fight. Use shoppers for cover. 26. Stand in line and pick the pocket in front of you, excuse yourself from the line, come back and ask "Did you drop this sir?" and wait for a reward. Note: Works especially well when you address a lady 27. Tell people you are Satan, ask them for any spare virgins they might have. 28. Walk backwards...bump into a lot of people 29. Bring your bagpipes and sing Christmas carols...do this in May 30. Tackle an old woman and tag her, explain you are with the census board and are testing a new method you saw on TV 31. Stand by the hall leading to the bathrooms and ask people if they'd like to take a survey, if someone actually says yes, panic and run away screaming "What do I do?! What do I do?!" 32. Pitch a tent in the "Save our forests!" display 33. Buy a stuffed parrot, tie a string around it's ankle, tie the other end to your own ankle, run screaming down the hall "The Birds!!! My God help me!" 34. Paint a marble to look like an eye, send it rolling down the mall, run after it bending over squinting one eye closed "Come back 'ere you bloody bastard!" just as your about to pick it up, kick it away again. Repeat 35. Sit on the floor in the middle of the walkway and rub your eyes and call for your mommy. Note: This works better if you are 20 or older 36. Hang an "out of order" sign on the restroom door, sell empty bottles in the hall. 37. One word: Frolick 38. Two words: Public Nudity 39. Three words: Bad Bladder Control 40. Draw a hopscotch board on the floor, look around and ask "Anyone know how to play twister?" 41. Make balloon animals...hunt your balloon animals...mount them proudly over the fake fireplace in Sears' furniture department 42. Ride the escalators. Turn around and run back down, pushing people aside. Repeat. 43. Buy fake vampire teeth, glue them to your neck. Grab ahold of shoppers and try to catch your breath panting "The *huff huff* old one *huff huff* has returned..." 44. Bottle some cat urine and dress as a perfume squirt girl. Try to sell your product. Note: Works best if you are a male with very hairy legs and no visable pantie line 45. Buy some Mickey Mouse bed sheets. Wrap them around you like a toga. Stand in the wishing fountain. Ask shoppers "Et Tu Brute?" 46. Buy a chainsaw at Sears, stroke it lovingly and name it at the counter. 47. Wear a suit made of tin foil. 48. Walk into "Victoria's Secret" and ask if they have anything in stainless steel. Note: Works best if you are male...and wearing the above suit. 49. Inflate a life raft on the wishing fountain, fold your underwear into a captains hat, proclaim loudly "I claim this planet in the name of Mars!" 50. Play kick ball with a human head from the halloween story. 51. Light all the candles at the little isle candle shop, come back after the clerk has blown them out. Light them again. Repeat. 52. Go to the health food juice bar in the food court and ask for a greasy hamburger, complain when they don't give you one. Go to "Ming chu" restaruant and ask for pizza. 53. Explain in detail how bad of a case of worms your dog has to the people next to you on line at "The pasta shack" 54. Buy a drink at McDonalds, carry it into Burger King. Buy onion rings at Burger king, carry it, and your drink to Roy Rogers. Buy a roast beef sandwich, carry it, your onion rings, and your drink to KFC. Ask the guy behind the counter at KFC for a napkin. Leave the Drink, Onion rings, and Roast beef sandwhich at KFC's counter and walk away, chewing on your napkin. 55. Go to the theatre ask the ticket seller "Are you showing that movie with that guy in it? You know that guy who does all those things, and he says his catch phrase all the time, oh what is it...you know what I mean, He has to go and stop that thing from happening, before his girfriend does something..." continues on from there, finally settle on Bambi. Giggle as you skip towards the theatre to see it. 56. Ask for chocolate covered ants at the snack counter. Act disgusted and run away if they hand some to you. 57. Paint a face on your right hand and talk to it as you walk the mall. 58. Get your face put on a T-shirt. Put the caption "Have you seen me?" on top. Put your phone number on the bottom. Get about ten made. Sell them and ask the buyers "Please if you find him, call me." 59. Feed imaginary ducks in the wishing well. 60. Walk into an elevator and pull out a raw hot dog from your pocket, put it in your mouth and go to light it, look around "Oh sorry, you mind if i smoke?" 61. Coat the stair case with lard. Video tape the ensuing falls, tumbles and crashes. Mail the tape in to Bob Sagget. Win a million dollars. Use the money to pay for the lawsuits filed against you. 62. Wear a pair of headphones. Swing the unplugged end of the cord around as you dance to the non-existant music. 63. If you happen upon a woman giving birth in the middle of the mall, insist to the crowd "She's faking it" 64. Sit on Santa's lap and ask for a tricycle. Note: Do this in June. Make sure your surogate Santa is a large woman. Works best if you are over 20. 65. Do a very bad Beavis impression...repeatedly 66. Buy one of those 'invisible dog' collar/leash toys. Tie the collar around your neck. Walk down the mall. Every once in a while make your eyes bug out and fall over backwords, then whimper and get up. 67. Make faces at the pets in the pet store window 68. Break the glass of said pet store window and set the animals free. Pound your chest and proclaim yourself 'The Animal Avenger' 69. heh i said 69...heh 70. Tell dirty jokes to the 90 year old woman in the wheelchair when she's left by herself. Than walk away as her family/caretaker returns 71. Ride the kiddie rides. Squeal with glee. Throw a tantrum when the ride stops, then faint. Note: works best if your 20 or older 72. Wear a homemade loincloth. Ask shoppers if they like it. 73. Turn around and slap the person in back of you, scream "Don't every touch me again you fiend!" Note: Works best when you, and the person slapped are male 74. Stake out a "Victoria's Secret" store giggle madly when a woman comes out with a bag of clothing. 75. Dog ear all the books in "Barnes And Noble" Repeat for all other bookstores. 76. Make photo copies of your butt and tack them up on the "missing child" board 77. Do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around 78. Ask people at the food court if they want to see what's in your mouth 79. Show it to them anyway. 80. Have a fight with your imaginary friend. Get pushed down the stairs by him. 81. Buy a super large soda and drink it all in one long pull. Run around screaming as the carbonation burn sets in. Note: also can be done with the standard slushee-brain freeze effect 82. Beat people about the head and neck with one of the footless rubber chickens from earlier in the day. 83. Mumble incoherently to shoppers and laugh then say "What you didn't get it?" walk away muttering "Simpleton" 84. Draw chalk outlines of people with three heads and no legs, when asked say "*Freak* accident" 85. Find the controls for the escalator. When people get on turn it off halfway through the trip. See what they do. If they turn and walk back down start it again. Repeat. If they walk the rest of the way, turn it on at the last minute tripping them. 86. Cut the cables for the elevator. Sure it's mean but nothing is more annoying then a fractured skull and a dislocated leg. 87. Go up to someone and ask if they have change for a twenty. If they do, nod and walk away. If they don't, scream madly "How could you come here unprepared?!" 88. Pretend to fall off the second floor and watch people freak. Note: Don't actually fall...thats not funny at all 89. Take over the announcment booth and sing off key until you are hauled away by the cops. Note: The more annoying the song, the quicker the cops come. Barney tunes work well. 90. Bump into mannequins in Sears. Demand an apology. Upon getting none, attack with abandon. If you get one, flee screaming into the night 91. Ask shoppers "Where can I get a miners hat and a copy of penthouse magazine?" wink slyly and whistle 92. Ask if any one's seen your Siamese twin 93. Leer at men and whistle, make sick gagging noises at women Note: Works well if your male...and odd 94. Slap people with large dead fish. 95. Curse at the water fountain when it doesn't give you the ice you asked for. 96. heh i said 69... 97. Take a survey "If you have dyslexia, and your crosseyed, can you read allright?" 98. Start a conga line in "Chiles" 99. Order a burito from "Taco Bell Express" and eat it. Tell the people next to you how good it is. Run to the bathroom clutching your stomach.100. When you see a little kid walking down the hall. And he is carefully stepping only on the white tiles. Push him onto a green one and laugh at his distress 101. Collect e-mail addresses at the internet cafe and foward this list to them, over, and over, and over again.